I know It's All Relative: I Cheer for the Chilean Miners, but Me? I'm Angry and Icky and Bookless!

Twelve days ago I got hit with my first migraine ever. Knocked me on my ass...hard. I drove myself to the hospital. Not the smartest move ever.  I don't remember much but some honking, so am assuming I drove really slow. Cause that's how I was feeling...sloooowwwwwww, distorted, like a off-kilter sound-wave.

I got to one hospital and got transfered to another and then spent five days on Dilauded (sp?) ...lots of it. Dreamy. I gotta say that for the first time I understand the whole addiction thing.

Got sent home cause I was "healed"...but unfortunately still have migraine. Saw some new doctors and they want me to wait for their new meds to take effect--up to two weeks. This makes me angry...I'm taking notes on how their meds are affecting me and I've got some suggestions, but no....I'm just the tottering, squinting, slow-talker they will see next Tuesday. 

There are a lot of sucky things about this...first is the fact that I don't know when this is going to end.  Everyone says it won't last much longer.  Everone else says they can't believe it's lasted this long.  So, I'm trying to stay on the edge of curious, but I don't do well when I can't see what's out in front of me. At all.

I guess it's not all bad.  My son did get some laughs telling the story about how Mommy projectile vomited all over herself and the passenger seat of the car when we were all stuck in rush-hour traffic on the way home from the doctor. He did not like giving up his shirt to me so I could wipe my face off, but that's the price you pay for funny.

Everyone, and I do mean everyone tells me to not worry, about anything. Is that possible?  Seriously?  How do I not worry about how the pressure is affecting my husband who is disabled and about how tired he looks, that my son has suddenly developed a lot of tummy aches, my daughter is suddenly obsessed about fairness in terms of good and bad people, about falling behind at work and putting pressure on an already understaffed department.  I am not the type of person who can lie still in a dark room not worrying about stuff even though her head would feel better if I smashed my hand in a car door.  Twice.  Hard.

Along with the pain in my head, my body feels gross.  I'm eating less because chewing hurts.  I can't stand the taste of my elixir of life, Diet Pepsi anymore, so I'm drinking more water than is possibly good for you.  Yet my skin is blah, my nails are cracky, my hair is so-so.   I find myself getting weepy when shows like Criminal Minds and NCIS use emotional quotes.  So you can see I'm a disaster.

Personally I think it's because of two things...First, I got no 'purpose'...it's not like I'm taking time off to "be at home" or anything, so short of trying not to puke when I move, or playing my new favorite game, "guess which of the double-vision objects is real", there's not a lot of reason in my life right now. I do NOT do that well. 

The second thing is that I can't read right now---I have multiple books just waiting for me to read them..and not just books, magazine articles, web articles, etc.  They are calling to me...all of that knowledge, all of those ideas that are waiting for me to find them. All of those wonderful phrases, sentences...the tempo of a beautifully written paragraph.  Sigh.  All of those bits of information that I put aside until they are ready to be useful for a friend, a client, my family.  It's driving me batty!!!!  More importantly, I feel lost without them on some level.  I do get to listen to my daughter read to me from "Alex and the Ironic Gentleman" by Adrienne Kress.  A really fantastic book for girls of all ages.

So, three hours later, I finish this one tiny blog...more than twice what it usually takes.  Mainly because brain is slow and cranky and double vision typing sucks...and I'm still without...without an end in sight, without an answer as to what to do and dammit all, without a book to read. 

But the fantastic news is that tonight when I totter off to bed, I will quietly kiss my kids goodnight, both of each of them

Reading Requires All 5 Senses!

I read today, online ironically enough, that the Oxford English Dictionary will NOT EVER be printed again--only being available online from the 4th Edition forward.  (see amazing note at end)

Last night, my 10-year old son looked up from the book he got from the library earlier and asked for a Kindle. (Such a funny kid)

The apocolypse is upon us...no one will have to burn books anymore, they'll just have to delete them. Not as dramatic for those doing the burning/deleting, so hopefully satisfaction in that will go way down and thus will go away...but I digress.

The point is that with the move towards electronica, we risk losinig the context of touch, the meaning that comes from the visceral nature of books and not just from the act of reading it.  I agree with Anna Quindlen when she said, basically, "...that she'd be happy if her kids idea of decorating is building enough bookshelves."

Books have a feel, a smell, a heft, a non-biological warmth to them that not only adds to the experience of the read itself, but they add a context to the space they reside in as well--reading Anna Karenina would not have been the teenage pivotal experience (trite, I know) it was for me if it weren't for my ability to remember the weight of it splayed on my stomach as I dozed on the couch in the sun thinking about what I had just read, the feel of the pages under my hand.  Those visceral memories are a direct link to my growing understanding of language, literature, love, loss, and family--and now, simply knowing it is there in the house, occupying the same space, gives me comfort among other things.  
 
George Robert Gissing said it best:  "I know every book of mine by its smell, and I have but to put my nose between the pages to be reminded of all sorts of things." 

Later, giving my son a back scratch before bed, I ask him why there are so many books in bed with him, on his bedside tables, under his bed.  "I don't know Mom, I just like the feel of them, knowing that they are there with me."

"Would you feel the same way if there was a Kindle next to your lamp or on your bed?" I ask.

"Mom", he say disgustedly, "sleeping on a Kindle would be painful.  Besides, I like seeing them around me."

"Exactly."  I smile and kiss him goodnight, knowing that when he has his own house, he'll have lots and lots of bookshelves in it.  And that makes me happy.



Amazing note: The 3rd Edition of the OED has been in the works for 21 years and will take approximately 80 lexographers another 10 years to finish!  Wow!