Things That Are Supposed to Relax Me Actually Do The Opposite

Okay, a month now of consistent migraine, cluster headache, occipital neuralgia or whatever it is.  New Doc, new drugs, new possibilities, day by day I'm muddling through.

I'm trying to read each day, but it makes the headache worse more times than not, so it's a crapshoot.

I was able to sew up my daughter's school Halloween costume (Hobo)--as opposed to the one she is trick or treating in (skeleton), which was fun.  And we made two cakes together for her class Cake Walk at the school Fall Zamborree.  Loads of fun in the kitchen with frosting---thanks to Top Chef:  Just Desserts we even carved and other fancy stuff.  The pumpkin looked like a nice carved pumpkin.  The skull?  Not so much.  It was probably the last cake forced upon some wary winner.  Oh well, we are pretty sure it tasted good.

But these are very small moments in between a lot of sleep and a lot of cursing silently in a darkened room.  Not the way I want to live my life even for a short period of time.

There are two things I've been told time and time again by literally everyone that will help keep my brain free of pain:  exercise and things that relax you.  I now believe that "litterally everyone" hates me.

I walk because running is out...anythiing that bounces my head up and down or back and forth is out, which is problematic on a whole other level, becuase THAT relaxes me.  Irony much?

So, on the manufactured relaxation front I'm trying two things.  One, Yoga.  Not the bendy yoga for reasons mentioned above, but a deep relazation yoga and one called Kandalini (sp?).  Secondly, I'm attempting to take up knitting.

Knitting.  Or as I call it these days, 'Fucking Knitting".  Edvard Munch once said, "No longer shall I paint interiors with men reading and women knitting. I will paint living people who breathe and feel and suffer and love.".  If he was painting me, he could paint a woman knitting and suffering!  A two-fer for old Edvard...what a bargain for him except I think he already painted it...you know, The Scream.

I did the right thing...I bought what the internet said to buy in terms of needles and yarn and then I picked up Knitting for Dummies because someone said it had the best pictures.  It might.  In fact it probably does.  But the fact is that I didn't shoot low enough...I should have bought Knitting for the Absolute Idiot and maybe then I would, after a full week, be able to do more than cast on a few stiches before it goes completely to hell, along with my language.  This is neither satisfying nor relaxing and I end up back, cursing silently and possibly more inventively, in a darkened room.

In fact, this whole knitting debacle is so pathetic my husband is out right now at Wal-Mart attempting to get me a different set of needles and a different type of yarn...I love him for it, (and lord knows, this proves he loves me) but I'm not holding out much hope.  He also found and showed me the best apps on the iPhone for knitting, probably in the hopes that I'd stop muttering on the couch like a crazy woman.  I even went so far as taking my 8-year olds advice and called my Mother because as my daughter put it, "She can knit and talk to people, including Grandpa who is deaf, so she must be good."  I called, she was out, but my Dad got a great laugh out of it.

I will continue to work at knitting.  Probably, knowing myself,  for the sheer need to conquer it although I do hope to find some sense of accomplishment and moments of relaxation.

I'm not ready to talk about Yoga yet.  I'm trying to give it time.  All I have to say is that Deep Relaxation Yoga is painfully like what I do the rest of the time:  lie down in a darkened room cursing silently.

The Blessing of Double Vision!

I was trying to read the NYT online today, and it didn't go as well as hoped--glary double vision and all.  However, in the Fashion & Style section of all places (hello, Sports?), it did ask me "Can Paul Rabil Make Lacrosse Sexy?". 

Do they need to ask, seriously?    It reminded me of a line I read a while ago in a romance book that made me giggle: "He smiled then and made her heart spring like a lemming flinging itself into the sea." Best. Line. Ever.  And I could see it applied to my double-visioned person of beauty. 

And, maybe he'll be the one that will bring some positive press to the sport.

I know It's All Relative: I Cheer for the Chilean Miners, but Me? I'm Angry and Icky and Bookless!

Twelve days ago I got hit with my first migraine ever. Knocked me on my ass...hard. I drove myself to the hospital. Not the smartest move ever.  I don't remember much but some honking, so am assuming I drove really slow. Cause that's how I was feeling...sloooowwwwwww, distorted, like a off-kilter sound-wave.

I got to one hospital and got transfered to another and then spent five days on Dilauded (sp?) ...lots of it. Dreamy. I gotta say that for the first time I understand the whole addiction thing.

Got sent home cause I was "healed"...but unfortunately still have migraine. Saw some new doctors and they want me to wait for their new meds to take effect--up to two weeks. This makes me angry...I'm taking notes on how their meds are affecting me and I've got some suggestions, but no....I'm just the tottering, squinting, slow-talker they will see next Tuesday. 

There are a lot of sucky things about this...first is the fact that I don't know when this is going to end.  Everyone says it won't last much longer.  Everone else says they can't believe it's lasted this long.  So, I'm trying to stay on the edge of curious, but I don't do well when I can't see what's out in front of me. At all.

I guess it's not all bad.  My son did get some laughs telling the story about how Mommy projectile vomited all over herself and the passenger seat of the car when we were all stuck in rush-hour traffic on the way home from the doctor. He did not like giving up his shirt to me so I could wipe my face off, but that's the price you pay for funny.

Everyone, and I do mean everyone tells me to not worry, about anything. Is that possible?  Seriously?  How do I not worry about how the pressure is affecting my husband who is disabled and about how tired he looks, that my son has suddenly developed a lot of tummy aches, my daughter is suddenly obsessed about fairness in terms of good and bad people, about falling behind at work and putting pressure on an already understaffed department.  I am not the type of person who can lie still in a dark room not worrying about stuff even though her head would feel better if I smashed my hand in a car door.  Twice.  Hard.

Along with the pain in my head, my body feels gross.  I'm eating less because chewing hurts.  I can't stand the taste of my elixir of life, Diet Pepsi anymore, so I'm drinking more water than is possibly good for you.  Yet my skin is blah, my nails are cracky, my hair is so-so.   I find myself getting weepy when shows like Criminal Minds and NCIS use emotional quotes.  So you can see I'm a disaster.

Personally I think it's because of two things...First, I got no 'purpose'...it's not like I'm taking time off to "be at home" or anything, so short of trying not to puke when I move, or playing my new favorite game, "guess which of the double-vision objects is real", there's not a lot of reason in my life right now. I do NOT do that well. 

The second thing is that I can't read right now---I have multiple books just waiting for me to read them..and not just books, magazine articles, web articles, etc.  They are calling to me...all of that knowledge, all of those ideas that are waiting for me to find them. All of those wonderful phrases, sentences...the tempo of a beautifully written paragraph.  Sigh.  All of those bits of information that I put aside until they are ready to be useful for a friend, a client, my family.  It's driving me batty!!!!  More importantly, I feel lost without them on some level.  I do get to listen to my daughter read to me from "Alex and the Ironic Gentleman" by Adrienne Kress.  A really fantastic book for girls of all ages.

So, three hours later, I finish this one tiny blog...more than twice what it usually takes.  Mainly because brain is slow and cranky and double vision typing sucks...and I'm still without...without an end in sight, without an answer as to what to do and dammit all, without a book to read. 

But the fantastic news is that tonight when I totter off to bed, I will quietly kiss my kids goodnight, both of each of them