The night before the night before the night before....

My daughter is fascinated by the idea of "eves"...the naming of the night before the big day.  Of course, as some fascinations are wont to do, it's gone a bit too far.  Right now she is making a list of the 'eves to come in 2011'...we are up to 22 and she is only through March.  Next, she says, she will make a menu for each of the eves.   I ask her, what about the next day?  "Those days take care of themselves, Mom.  But someone has to take care of the eves..."  Interesting theory--or just another reason for her to ask for baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, blue cheese, brie, olives, salami and the rest of her "best of" menu.

In any case, I share her delight in the night(s) before, there is something to be said for the cuddly anticipation, the quiet innocence of the unknown yet to be that comes before the loudness of the 'day', whichever day it happens to be.

And of all of the eves, I, probably like thousands of others, have a special place in my heart for Christmas Eve and all of the eves that run up to it.  The nights of Bing and Rosemary, with the lights off, the candles lit, the soft lights of the tree in the corner.  Hot Chocolate to my right, a book to my left and a pile of wrapping in the middle.  The fun of shopping with the kids for each other and their Dad, always ending with hot chocolate, even when it's 75 outside.  The hopeful whispers upstairs talking through the 'what if's' of boxes that arrive daily.  These are the eves of my adulthood.

The eves of my youth are distinct with memories of serious cold, of tires crunching across snow, of signing every carol we knew while driving up the hill to Butte Falls from Medford.  The heater in the old blue station wagon making you drowsy so the singing becomes that wonderful drone in the background of your dozing--until one of your four brothers and sisters yells that you are in their seat space...and then inevitably, the magic dissapated for a bit, sometimes for good, as the night became not so silent.  In our case, the irony of multiple instances of taking the Lord's name in vain on the heels of 'Oh Come All Yee Faithful' often got lost in the ensuing melee.

Which, as it happens, is history repeating itself as upstairs, the soft silence of my eve of the eve of the eve is broken because the older brother caught wind of the "Eves of 2011" production that is occurring and is repeatedly telling his little sister that "...it doesn't work that way, you are making all of this up..." and I'm waiting for the....yup, there it is, "Mooooom!  And, ooohh... I just heard a 'dammit'....  Here is an eve memory we'll all remember for different reasons.

Luckily, the hot chocolate to my right goes well with the Peppermint Schnapps in the cupboard.

Oh, My Body, My Body, Part Deux Or Headcase, Anyone?

So, I havent' written since I've been back to work.  I've been struggling with how to manage it all...but here is the kicker--The struggle is all in my head.  Irony.

The work itself is easy. I'm good at it.  I love it and it energizes me in a way that I'd taken for granted.  I've had no problem working up to my own standards.  I've had no problem setting boundaries as to how much I'll allow on my plate at any given time.  And, I've been just as, if not more effective. Awesome.

The taking care of myself?  Yeah, not so much. I find it easier to fall back into the craptastic schedule I was keeping before September 30th.  So disappointing and disappointed...actually more than that.  I'm totally pissed at myself.  But, like horses, bikes, bulls and relationships, you just gotta jump back in and/or on and that's where I'm at now...jumping back in/on.

See, the first week went great.  I got up, walked three or four miles, got back, ate a good breakfast, took my meds and got to work at a reasonable 9 am.  Worked, had my banana/slimfast shake and almonds for lunch.  On the way home did my yoga or rowing.   All of this in the service of managing my chronic headache from Occipital Neuralgia....the weight loss was a bonus.

Realized quickly that all night exercise will have to be moved to the morning....I'm too exhausted after work to get anything good out of the rowing or yoga.  So, figure out the new schedule, no problem...plenty of options for me. Feeling good.  Feeling upbeat, yes, even a little cocky.

Second week, Monday.  Sabotage....Self-Sabotage.  The voice inside my head that was saying, "heya, the pain is managed, don't worry about it"...so I slept in and scurried out the door without being able to look my husband in the eye when he asked if everything was fine.  "Totally Fine", I said. Which is actually code for "Totally fucked".

Second day followed the first day.  Except I did the utterly unthinkable and stepped on scale....gained a pound back.  Spent the fourth day talking to my therapist about how I am so angry at the self-sabotage and reminding myself that this is not about weight, it's about my head.  Nothing changed over the next few days....except Tuesday of Third week, I wake up with my head pain at about a 8 or 9 when I had it consistently down to a 4 or 5. 

My fault. No exercise, wrong food, not enough sleep.  So sucked it up, went downstairs and jumped, okay, shuffled, into family life.  Later, a nap, shower and pain pill and we were out and about.

All of these years, it's been about the vanity of weight, with good intentions wiped out by evil little voices, laziness and fear...the justification of "I can still do anything."  Of, "I like being a little cuddly."  Of "Reuben had it right, red hair and curves."

Except it's not about that anymore....exercise and diet are just a way for me to manage the real issue with is chronic head pain--something that actually does keep me from doing things with my kids, my husband, my self...now and in the long term. 

So, back in the saddle, old girl.  Or as my daughter said to me the other night, "My brain gets me into trouble too Mom. You just have to wait until the right moment when it's not looking and then do the right thing."

So, for the next six weeks or so Brain, "look away, look away"!