The work itself is easy. I'm good at it. I love it and it energizes me in a way that I'd taken for granted. I've had no problem working up to my own standards. I've had no problem setting boundaries as to how much I'll allow on my plate at any given time. And, I've been just as, if not more effective. Awesome.
The taking care of myself? Yeah, not so much. I find it easier to fall back into the craptastic schedule I was keeping before September 30th. So disappointing and disappointed...actually more than that. I'm totally pissed at myself. But, like horses, bikes, bulls and relationships, you just gotta jump back in and/or on and that's where I'm at now...jumping back in/on.
See, the first week went great. I got up, walked three or four miles, got back, ate a good breakfast, took my meds and got to work at a reasonable 9 am. Worked, had my banana/slimfast shake and almonds for lunch. On the way home did my yoga or rowing. All of this in the service of managing my chronic headache from Occipital Neuralgia....the weight loss was a bonus.
Realized quickly that all night exercise will have to be moved to the morning....I'm too exhausted after work to get anything good out of the rowing or yoga. So, figure out the new schedule, no problem...plenty of options for me. Feeling good. Feeling upbeat, yes, even a little cocky.
Second week, Monday. Sabotage....Self-Sabotage. The voice inside my head that was saying, "heya, the pain is managed, don't worry about it"...so I slept in and scurried out the door without being able to look my husband in the eye when he asked if everything was fine. "Totally Fine", I said. Which is actually code for "Totally fucked".
Second day followed the first day. Except I did the utterly unthinkable and stepped on scale....gained a pound back. Spent the fourth day talking to my therapist about how I am so angry at the self-sabotage and reminding myself that this is not about weight, it's about my head. Nothing changed over the next few days....except Tuesday of Third week, I wake up with my head pain at about a 8 or 9 when I had it consistently down to a 4 or 5.
My fault. No exercise, wrong food, not enough sleep. So sucked it up, went downstairs and jumped, okay, shuffled, into family life. Later, a nap, shower and pain pill and we were out and about.
All of these years, it's been about the vanity of weight, with good intentions wiped out by evil little voices, laziness and fear...the justification of "I can still do anything." Of, "I like being a little cuddly." Of "Reuben had it right, red hair and curves."
Except it's not about that anymore....exercise and diet are just a way for me to manage the real issue with is chronic head pain--something that actually does keep me from doing things with my kids, my husband, my self...now and in the long term.
So, back in the saddle, old girl. Or as my daughter said to me the other night, "My brain gets me into trouble too Mom. You just have to wait until the right moment when it's not looking and then do the right thing."
So, for the next six weeks or so Brain, "look away, look away"!
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