About 60 minutes into the 75 minute class, the teacher asked me to "grasp my sucess" or something of the like. I couldn't. In fact success wasn't just eluding me, it was fearsomely mocking me. I felt like crying or puking, knowing me probably both at the same time. We had just got done doing this meditation that required me to fold my right hand together with the thumb under (think about it as the exact wrong way to make a fist when you are punching someone or something), squeeze it tight as you can while attempting whistling and focusing on the end of your nose at the same time--and I think there was a special type of breathing that was supposed to happen at the same time. For me it was like trying to tap my tummy and rub my head at the same time--nothing came together and at the end of the 11 minutes I felt like a complete and utter failure. I can't whistle, I kept forgetting to look at the end of my nose and I think I was breathing in when I was supposed to be breathing out. The only good news is what I could hardly unclasp my hand and it hurt, (Yoga Claw!) so I gathered from the feedback that this was a good thing.The teacher, who was actually amazing, soothing, funny and more made some mention, in general, at the end of the class about being a pre-beginners class and I' m pretty sure it was meant for me. But no, I'm going stick out the regular old beginners class, so next Saturday I'll be there, fire breath, yoga marching and trying to direct it all to my third eye. Oy vey.
The rest of the week had ups and downs, but overall I'm feeling, finally, like I'm moving forward through this whole migraine from hell medical leave.
UPs:
- The Austin Weather! Cool, crisp with the scent of wood fires in the air. At night, there has been the hint of moisture, so a little fog. To me, this is perfect weather and I could live year round in it. It makes for especially nice walks, both in the morning as a workout and at night meandering around the neighborhood with my husband.
- The Fushigi Experience: my daughter had been asking for the Fushigi (an anti gravity ball from a long-form commercial that promised magic, delight and it was theraputic! After three months of mentions, she gets it for her birthday. Twenty minutes later, the screams of "It's a rip-off" bounce around the house. You ask why this is under an "Up"? Well, first, it's funny as hell to hear your 8-year old ranting righteously about the magic ball being a rip-off. And secondly, it's a good lesson for her to learn. The Fushigi Ball now holds a place of prominence--a silver, glowing sphere on the mantle under the television.
- New Neil Diamond album! "Dreams". I'm not an undercover fan at all. I love Neil, especially the stuff from the last decade or so.
- Deep Relaxation Yoga. I have to admit that I've allowed myself to fall off the edge of curiosity when it comes to yoga and I'm comfortable building my wings, mistakes and all, on the way down. I even went so far as to by a CD and a lavender eye-bag so when I can do it at home. The first time my daughter was interested in joining me and it was going well until the voice on the CD asked us to direct our energy to the "right buttock, the left buttock". Sophia, standing up from her little rug, snorted and said, "I can't learn anything from a guy who doesn't know that people have just one butt!" and marched off to her room. I wasn't sure if I should let that energy expand into the universe, but I figured it couldn't hurt.
- Halloween was fun!
- Something Is Working: Whether it's the medications, the cortisone treatments, the better eating, sleeping, exercise or yoga...or all of it together. My migraines/headaches seem to be leveling out. They haven't gone away yet, but the seem to be settling into a manageable mode. I'm looking forward to the next round of procedures and what positive outcome they can bring!
Downs
- In one of my first Deep Relaxation Yoga classes, the teacher asked us to think of and talk about a person in our lives, but who had passed away, who we tried to model ourselves after. The majority of the women in the room, of all ages, and including me, brought up our Grandmothers and described them as "fearless, fierce, confident, strong, takes no bullshit". It made me wonder if this generation would be described the same way by our granddaughters. I'm not sure--I think we have a lack of good role femal, pracital and strong role models, quite frankly and are afraid of the "bitch" label. When I think of strong and practical women, I have quite a few in my personal life--but only two in my global life (Hillary Clinton, Rachel Maddow and Eleanor Roosevelt). I must find more, or as Eleanor said, "You must do the things you think you cannot do."
- I'm sick to my stomach and heart about this 'sound bite' society we live in now. We all want things fixed faster than fast--the economy, healthcare, jobs, education, etc...yet we don't take responsibility for the fact that we all had a hand in creating the fiasco, and it took us a long time to screw things up so badly. So instead of sticking to the person we voted in, we start searching for the next group of people who, regardlesss of their good intentions, won't be able to satisfy the needs in the time we give them. It's a vicious circle that concerns me more and more and personally, I blame anyone 40 and younger...we should be smarter than this and we should have the determination to work the hard work to get it done right.
- Finally, and related to above, after living through this mid-term election I look back to something else Eleanor said and find it even more true today, "Sometimes I wonder if we shall ever grow up in our politics and say definite things which mean something, or whether we shall always go on using generalities to which everyone can subscribe, and which mean very little." I think we all know the side we are erring on.
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