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| photo by Lowell Lipton |
I have found just enough amusement in the words "migraine pain is subjective" to just let it go. 60-some days in with an unrelenting headache/migraine I find myself on the cusp of going back to work in a week--there are a lot of questions I'm asking myself about this, but the main one is, "will I be able to work up to my own high standards?" Will I be confident and comfortable with the product I put forward? God, I really hope so.
I often thought I'd go crazy at home not working, but I found that to be an artificial construct I created to make myself feel better about not working. The reality is I needed these two months and quite frankly I need more time to work out the kinks in my pain managment routine--you see I can get to about 3 pm right now with the pain at about a constant 5 (with 10 being the worst). If I take a nap, then I can extend that to about 7 pm...but at that point...zoooey mama...it ratchets up and I'm wanting my pain medicine, a dark room and a comfy bed. All of this is in the context of me not reading, driving or being in any stressfull situations. Add those three things back in and well, I'm not sure what it going to happen. Someone once told me to "get comfortable on the edge of the unknown--to be curious about what is coming...". I think that lesson was for right now.
So, since the FMLA folks find headaches and migraines "subjective", I'm back to work a few weeks earlier than I had hoped. It will take a lot of planning and management on my part to make going back to work, well, work--both for myself and my teams--not to mention my clients and I want it all seamless, hidden from them because it's not their issue and I don't like feeling weak or "less than" in front of others. Of course, this is silly because I'm not even back to work and I'm already adding stress. Excellent. Good Plan.
So, we'll see. Curious about the unknown and all of that.
During these two months off I struggled early on with the idea of not having a "purpose" other than getting well and I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish. Of course, I wrote that list in a journal and thought I could journal all about accomplishing this list. Oh, belly laughs for sure. Serious hysterics at this one. The list mocked me from afar because I didn't touch the friggin' journal past week two. That, however, does not mean I did not accomplish a few things.
First, I did learn how to knit. It is not calming for me, but I did it anyway. I can knit basic scarfs with one stitch...if I try to pearl it all goes to hell. So, all the scarves I'm knitting are knitted, no pearls. For those of you getting them for a holiday gift...deal with it.
The office, after two years, did get organized. It felt good, but not as good as I thought it would. Big let down. Basicially I realized that now I have to keep up the organization. Not so much a silver lining for me.
And, I did go through all of the kids schoolwork from the past three years and put the items we thought 'keep worthy' into their memory trunks...along with tiny underwear, baptism outfits and the pregnancy diaries I did keep when I was "round for a reason". Now my daughter is creating 'memory boxes' for Big Spitty our deceased cat, for her favorite stuffed animal and for the 'first grandparent to die'. Lovely. "Monster creation" was not on my list, but I could go back and write it in and then immediately cross it off just to feel that sense of accomplishment.
I've gotten into an exercise routine...walking, yoga-ing and rowing...I feel so much better for it. And my iPhone is chock-a-block full of new music for this new 'Exerciser Rene'.
Which is how I figured out that Yo Yo Ma is for Fall...especially Fall mornings that are kinda foggy. He works really well then. And, I found that I prefer walking to singer/songwriters and alternative music as opposed to rock, pop or techno (unless it's Gavin Froome and then it's good.)
Speaking of techno, that's what my 8-year old daughter wants for Christmas. That and a giant (bigger than her) stuffed Penguin. My son wants "30 books and a porcupine". Seriously, 30 books! He didn't even get to put the Mac Air on his list...it was no sooner out of his mouth than the laughter began. First time in a while my husband and I laughed so loud, so hard. We had to thank him for that.
Back to the porcupine. His best friend has two ground hogs and a hedgehog, so my son figures, what is better than that? Obviously, he got his critical thinking skills from the other side of the family. :)
Tonight, the eve of Hanukkah, I made Soofganiyots or Israeli Doughnuts for the kids to take in to their classes tomorrow. While my Jewish husband had never heard of these, I know they do exist and that they are for Hanukka because they are in "1000 Jewish Recipes" cookbook that was given to me when I married my husband. So there! My son, who was helping me for a bit, did ask why we didn't have a "1000 Catholic Recipes" cookbook for me, so I quickly took the conversation back to the porcupine...much safer and easier discussion.
It's about 10:30 pm...we sent my daughter to bed about 2 1/2 hours ago. She just peeked down the stairs and asked me about Mad Cow disease.
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